When you hit 50 (or they hear a rumor you might be nearing it), AARP comes knocking like an overenthusiastic neighbor armed with pamphlets and promises of senior savings. “Join us!” they say. “We’ve got discounts, we’ve got perks, we’ve got...hearing aids?”

And that’s where the contradictions start.

AARP paints a picture of vibrant golden years filled with travel and adventure, but crack open their magazine or scroll through their sponsors, and it feels like they’re handing you a one-way ticket to the early bird special at a beige diner.

Let’s take a slightly irreverent look at how AARP’s message clashes with the actual lives of today’s 60- and 70-year-olds—because we’re not ready to ride off into the sunset in our sensible orthopedic shoes just yet.

1. The Perks: 10% Off Fun or 50% Off Fiber Supplements?

You’d think an organization supposedly catering to the active, unstoppable over-50 crowd would offer discounts on hot air balloon rides, Broadway shows, or wine tastings. Instead, AARP members often find themselves saving big on pharmacy consultations and Medigap insurance.

Not to downplay those benefits (we all need healthcare), but where’s the 25% off promo code for salsa lessons in Buenos Aires? Or a free drink voucher for that trendy rooftop bar you’re heading to with your girlfriends?

AARP, if you’re listening: We’re dancing the tango, not shuffling to the drugstore.

2. The Sponsors: Is It a Party or a Pity Parade?

Flip through AARP’s materials or browse their website, and you’ll see ads for stairlifts, reverse mortgages, and insurance plans promising to “help your family when the time comes.” Cheery, huh?

Meanwhile, the actual over-60 crowd is booking trips to Bali, taking gourmet cooking classes, or running their own startups. We’re not cashing in on our life insurance; we’re cashing in on our frequent flyer miles.

Where’s the sponsorship from travel agencies, fitness wear brands, or high-end luggage companies? AARP, you’re selling us dentures when we’re buying surfboards.

3. The Magazine: Highlights or High Blood Pressure?

The AARP magazine is like a time capsule buried in the backyard of someone’s great-aunt. Sure, they sprinkle in a celebrity interview here and there, but the bulk of it? Recipes for low-sodium casseroles, tips for organizing your medication, and ads for adjustable mattresses.

The vibrant, dynamic 60-something? She’s reading Condé Nast Traveler, bingeing Netflix, and running a book club where nobody discusses the actual book. AARP, your magazine could use some articles like “How to Backpack Through Europe at 70” or “The Best Apps for Thriving in Retirement.”

4. The Messaging: Adventure or Anxiety?

AARP’s mission is to empower older adults to “choose how they live as they age.” Great slogan! But the execution? Less “choose your adventure” and more “choose your doctor.”

Their website has a section for travel, sure, but it’s often overshadowed by articles about health care decisions and elder fraud. Important topics, but could we sandwich them between a guide to the Amalfi Coast and the best tips for dancing through life at any age?

What’s the Solution, AARP?

It’s simple. Embrace the reality that today’s older adults are thriving. We’re more vibrant, active, and adventurous than ever. Partner with brands and businesses that understand that life doesn’t end at 60—it starts there.

We’re kayaking, zip-lining, and learning how to make pasta from scratch in Tuscany. We don’t need another ad for compression socks (though they’re great for long flights).

Let’s Rewrite the Narrative

AARP, we love you. You’ve got some great perks and helpful resources, but let’s modernize the messaging. Today’s 60- and 70-year-olds are redefining what it means to age. We’re vibrant, we’re bold, and we’ve got better things to do than shuffle to a recliner.

How about a little less fear and a little more fun? After all, age is just a number—and we’re out here making it look good.

AARP, do you know us at all? A Hilarious Take on Their Mixed Messages